Here is my current psychosis:

Moving across the ocean is a drop in the bucket compared to visiting a new church for the first time. Which is too bad, really, as it's in the job description right now. Visit churches, meet people, listen to their stories, see what God is doing. I love all those things, except the visit churches part, which I hate. Super hate.

I wake up late and grumpy. I put on my dour face. I stare in the mirror for long stretches. I am short with the children. I am angry with Matt. I get in the car feeling all the feelings. I stare out the window in search of a way out. I literally drag my feet.

Being new, feeling different, being conspicuous, looking lost... this is what I do and am and look like every day! I don't know the songs or the rhythm. I don't know where our children go or when to stand or sit. In the shops or the school yard, at the meetings or in the church. I don't know anything at all.

It is a holy strangeness, feeling called by God to do something that requires you do something that you really don't want to do. In fact, even if you want to do it, you feel really bad at doing it. You have nothing of yourself to give or offer that will enable you to do it. You are almost certain that you will fail at doing it.

And so, we offer up our complete incompetence. 

We ask, be my strength in spite of me. 

We admit, I hate this, God, is that ok? 

We say, You are enough when I am nothing.

We pray, You are here and we are Yours.

And we sit in the pew (or the back garden or under the covers) and wait for Him to show up. Which He does, always does. 

Turns out, He was just waiting for you this whole time. Even in church.

***

What was the last thing you really didn't want to do?

The dying macbook's one last gasp

So here it is, friends. 2012 is coming to a close and we are days away from moving overseas. I told you how God worked me over hard this year. I'm so glad He used you, my dying macbook, and three sticky kiddos to show Himself to me, over and over.

Mega thanks to (in)courage for allowing me to share my thoughts on 7 with Trash nerd (reflections on waste and creation care), thus making it my top-read post of this year! For reals, people, get on this book if you haven't already. I plan on reading it out loud to Matt on the plane...

Honourable mentions go to:

A gentle reproof over white coffee, in which my son schools me on faith.

In defense of the silent dissenter, in which I attempt to love my neighbours more than politics.

I was ugly :: 31 days of messy parenting, in which Asher came to us.

The piano wall, in which my husband destroyed a piano and many (if not all) things were made new.

So here we go: a new year and a new home and starting again, again. I will see you soon... this time, from Ireland.

***

If you blog, won't you share with me your favourite post from the year? Or was there a book, movie, article that stayed with you?

31 days of LIVING in transition :: leave your house {day 12}

Yes, leave it. Get off the couch (or, if you're anything like me, out from under the covers, outta bed, comb your frizzy hair), open the front door, and leave your house.

As heretofore mentioned, when in transition I want to run, I want to hide (much like Bono does). And while the hiding isn't so good, the running might actually be onto something. It is all too easy to not live and hide from the reality that change is coming - or recently happened - when the only thing staring back at you is your TV and your Facebook account. Leave. Your. House.



What to do when you leave your house? I'm so glad you asked! Here's a top 10 list for things to do when you leave your house, stop hiding from transition, get out of survival mode and take baby steps towards life!

1. walk around your neighbourhood (bonus: meet people & exercise).
2. find your closest coffee shop and become a regular (same time, same place, same barista).
3. update your card catalog: get a driver's license, library card, loyalty card (these things say: yes, I lived here! and become part of your history).
4. talk to someone for 10-30 seconds (longer than a simple, "thanks" but shorter than, "so when I was in the hospital with mumps..."). Repeat daily and quickly increase to hourly reps.
5. go to church (even if you don't want to, even if you're brand new, even if you're not a Christian. Church people are - mostly - friendly people and will like you and pray for you if you let them).
6. join a club or take a class (in addition to, or in lieu of, church). Places to look for said clubs/classes are: library, grocery store bulletin board, or Meetup.com.
7. get a haircut. By month five, you'll really need one.
8. go where the people are (I will cover this more later in the week).
9. find a park, plop down on some green space, and people watch.
10. day trip! pick a spot on the map within a couple hours drive, find a friend to go with (or take yourself and a journal/book), and spend the day away from the mess that is transition.

Now, don't think I practice all or any of these things every day. I've experimented with most of these, but the idea is to discover who you are, what feeds your soul, and what grounds you when everything else is up in the air. 

I try to remember that the best way to live with intention while permanently living in transition is to leave the four walls of my heart's shelter, and go where the people are, where relationships wait, where I can think and pray and actively pursue experiences in whatever current home, situation, job, mess I find myself in.

So yeah, leave your house, and find who you are, where you are, for however long you are there. Or here.

Fact: I *did* write today!

Dear Diary,

Long story short: giving up Facebook for Lent, taking up more writing for Lent. Will write more later.

XxOooX
(Big Kiss, Little Kiss, Big Hug, Little Hug, Little Hug, Big Kiss)
Karen

thoughts for this year

I don't do resolutions. My reason is this: I don't like to fail. So, with that in mind, some thoughts for this year... things I might like to try, might like to do more, or might want to hope for.

write more. 

The husband thinks i should be published this year. I think that it would be nice to be published again, but I also think writing specifically to an audience, on a smart topic, with the hope of being published is a lot of effort for this mom of three - without an actual guarantee of publication. Sounds silly, I know. So for now, I might like to try writing more.

cry and/or worry less.

These things go together. I worry and cry, cry and worry. Or just get sad for no damn good reason. Which leads me to...

swear more.

:)

homemake a little.

Maybe I'll try cooking more. Or maybe I'll try picking up after kids during the day instead of leaving it till after bedtime and then stay up till the wee hours cleaning and then be exhausted the next day... and then the whole crazy cycle repeats itself. Or maybe I'll help the kids with a routine. Or maybe give myself a routine. Maybe I'll find time to scrapbook, or decorate, or paint a small wall. I'm not sure what this will entail yet. But I'd like to try settling in here a little before we move on again.

continue drinking coffee.

This has been something I've discovered that makes me happy, allows me to indulge a little bit, gives me an excuse to go out and meet a friend. It's also where I sometimes end up writing. Or reading. Or praying. So yeah, I plan on continuing this little habit. 

stay healthy.

I made some changes in my life towards the end of the year... eating better, getting out more, being active, that kind of thing. I hope to continue doing it, and I hope to try some new things that will further enable a healthy lifestyle. 

be positive.

Because I'm usually not. And being usually not positive is usually not helpful.

love people more and better.

I want people to feel loved and valuable when they're with me. I want to find ways to serve them, to deepen friendships (or start friendships), to bring smiles and relief. And I want this to flow out of...

loving Jesus more and better.

I started a reading plan on the "essential Jesus". I'm only one day in, so who knows what day 2 or 3 or 194 will bring. But I wanted to read it and dwell on it and fill my brain and heart with it to grow a better love for Jesus. I feel like years 2008-2010 showed me more who He is and allowed me to know Him, rely on Him, and believe in Him in better ways. This year is the love year.

pray.

I like to pray and I hope to do it more this year. I would like to make it a priority. And I would like to include my children more in it. They pray and they do it grandly, but I want to exhibit a prayerful life for them.

move far, far away.

Not that I want to leave all the people here I know and love, but Ireland is our new old home. And I miss it, husband misses it, and children miss it. And we can't wait to go back. This year... sometime, somehow... we return to Ireland. I want to be ready, refreshed, renewed, and raring to go.

follow through.

I don't want to fail at my good intentions anymore. I have birthday cards left unstamped, receipts from last minute trips to target for last minute gifts. I have big plans, and then forget them or ignore them. I'd like to think big this year, and follow through on it. 

belittle less, value more.

Brutal confession coming: sometimes I put myself down, or look at my life and think "what if." I don't wish any of it away and wouldn't change all that much really, but I see that sometimes, when we look at the "what ifs" or the "shoulda woulda couldas", we actually belittle what we have or what we've made or what God has given us. We belittle the gifts and the grace, when we should value them for the gifts and the graces they actually are. Going or not going to grad school = not really a big deal. Going or not going to Ireland = kinda a big deal. Thriving retirement account = not really a big deal (right now). Enjoying and sharing and being thankful for the little money/possessions/things we do have = kinda a big deal. I want to see the true value, not the monetary or worldly value. I want to value what God values and give away the kinds of things He gives away. At least, I hope to do this. It's a big hope.

So I look at this list and chances are, I'll fail at some of them - or most of them - from time to time. But if I could maybe just do one of them, one time, I'll stop thinking of myself as a failure, and celebrate a success, one at a time.

Psalm 45v1

This blog is for me.  Or maybe, this blog is for you.  

For four years, I have chronicled the journey of our family's move to cross-cultural life and work in Ireland.  I realized today - as I wrote a post for prayer for my son - that I needed a space where words could not be minced and where my own journey from safety to risk could be laid bare.  This is with the hope that you can join me here, too, for my journey is definitely not the only one being taken.

Also, this won't always be as heavy as this first post might feel now.  I hope it to be light and airy and full of life and grace.  It's just that God has brought me to a heavy moment and the need, always the need, to write.

And as for the title of this blog and the purpose... my life verse, only read today for the first time from The Message:

My heart bursts its banks, spilling beauty and goodness. 

I pour it out in a poem to the king,
shaping the river into words...